By Ben Bussey
Back in March 2014 I saw a movie called The Invoking. It was a no-budget production from a young cast and crew, following a bunch of friends heading out to a remote, hitherto unknown location, where, following a liberal side order of personal drama, something vaguely spooky occurs. It bored the living shit out of me to the extent that I didn’t so much review the film itself as write an extended list of things that no-budget indie horror filmmakers should not do if they expect to create work that anyone is likely to wind up giving a damn about; all the cliches, all the mistakes that we see again and again and again and again from indie horror movies, leaving so many of them insufferably boring.
Now, in July 2015, I’ve just seen a movie called Invoked. Guess fucking what.
Opening with one of those delightful title cards informing us we’re about to be shown the last footage of a bunch of young folk who mysteriously disappeared – joy of joys, it’s found footage (one of the few cardinal sins last year’s The Invoking was not guilty of) – we spend a few minutes in the company of policemen who appear to be filming on something that’s been at the bottom of a pond since 1997, before cutting to – would you believe it – the inside of a car, where – would you believe it – a bunch of pretty, fun-loving twentysomethings are driving off to – would you believe it – a remote location far off in the wilderness for a weekend of partying. They’re an amiable, gender-balanced bunch, three guys and three gals, some of whom are coupled off already, others clearly hoping to do so. They talk incessantly and leave the camera running for no readily apparent reason the whole journey, until they reach their destination – an abandoned youth hostel on a small island only reachable by rowing boat. They get in there, continue to talk incessantly and keep the camera running for no readily apparent reason, then crack open the beers and spark up some spliffs, until finally someone suggests doing a seance, as is of course the norm on these occasions. But when they do, they come to suspect they may have disturbed the rest of a spirit which wasn’t feeling particularly restful to begin with. Will they get to the bottom of the mystery? Will they get out of there alive? Will we see any of it in clear shots which last more than a fraction of a second without excessive camera shake and even more excessive screaming? I say again… guess fucking what.
Okay, indie filmmakers. I guess you weren’t listening last time, so I’m going to say it again: please, please, please, for your own sake and everyone else’s, when you are setting out to make a no-budget horror movie, be brutally honest with yourself, take a good long look at your material, and ask yourself – is this actually interesting in any way, shape or form? Do we have striking moments which command the audience’s attention – genuine laughs, genuine thrills, genuine scares, anything we haven’t seen before? Do we at least have a catchy, memorable title which is likely to stick in the viewer’s memory? Because I refuse to believe that anyone in their right mind thinks that a found footage kids in a cabin ghost movie called Invoked does any of those things. It’s nothing more than a half-arsed rehash of material which has already been rehashed half-arsedly more times than I care to count, and if anyone honestly thinks it’s bringing anything remotely new or different to the table I would have to seriously question how much that person knows or cares about the horror genre.
Here are some synonyms for ‘invoke’: pray to, call on, appeal to, plead with, supplicate, entreat, solicit, beseech, beg, implore, importune, petition. I do all these to any filmmakers contemplating making their own found footage horror movie. Either make it much, much, much more creative, engaging, witty and suspenseful than Invoked, or just don’t make it at all. Please. There’s far, far too much of this worthless, lifeless, witless, gutless, soulless crap out there already.
Invoked is out on Region 2 DVD on 17th August, from Left Films.