By Quin
When I first saw the title You Can’t Kill Stephen King, I had to do a double take. Then after confirming it was real, I knew I would have to investigate. As a longtime fan of the work of Stephen King, I couldn’t help cringing at the sight of that title. In his 2000 book, On Writing, he created a guide for writers who are looking to enter the industry and improve their craft. It was very similar to the Strunk and White book The Elements of Style, but it was clearly in Stephen King’s voice and was a lot more fun to read. The book also served as a memoir. He wrote about his childhood as well as a detailed account of the accident that almost killed him in 1999. Thankfully, this movie has nothing to do with that, but I couldn’t help but wonder if the filmmakers had considered that title might create a bad taste in people’s mouths. I’m guessing not. One thing is for certain, these filmmakers are banking on the hopes that all Stephen King fans will find this movie and pay to see it. I would love to know what Mr. King thinks of this movie, but I can’t speculate on that. But I will tell you that I found it to be a pointless waste of time – and this is coming from a Stephen King fan.
You Can’t Kill Stephen King premiered at a festival in 2012 and saw its first DVD release in December 2014. I haven’t heard any of the details on this, but I think that’s pretty telling. We have already established that the title is problematic, now let’s get to the setting. It takes place in Maine, which makes sense because that is indeed where Stephen King lives. However, this film is set on a lake. Stephen King lives in Bangor, Maine. There isn’t a lake around for miles. In fact, it’s pretty common knowledge that his house is a Gothic-style home with spider web iron gates in a suburban residential area. It’s possible that the filmmakers truly didn’t do their research, but I’m more inclined to assume that they wanted to stay as far from a lawsuit as possible.
This brings me to my third major problem with the film – for a horror/comedy with Stephen King as the central theme, the quality of references to his books and characters stinks. Most of them are painfully obvious, others are really stretching it – I mean, a speedboat called Christine? Come on! Not to mention a ridiculous appearance by Pennywise the Clown from It (or at least a reasonable facsimile) that makes no sense at all.
I’ve waited this long to tell you about the plot – mostly because it’s nothing new. A group of young people are going to vacation and party in Maine. The group is an assortment of all of the horror victim stereotypes, and the movie makes sure you are aware of this. One of the kids is a big Stephen King fan and the only reason he’s there is because he wants to catch a glimpse of him. This is a sentence I’m getting tired of writing, but I guess it goes with the genre – are you ready? …Eventually members of the group start dying. But who is doing the killing? Is it one of them or is it perhaps Stephen King himself? This movie takes us through the list of suspects and bores you in the process.
Now that I think about it, the word “process” is the best word to describe this movie. Nothing happens organically and nothing is surprising. It follows the old ‘kids in peril’ blueprint and tries to make jokes about the horror genre by winking at the camera constantly. It brings absolutely nothing new to the table. If I were Stephen King, I would probably sue them, but perhaps the best thing he can do is happily pretend this movie doesn’t exist. I urge you all to do the same.
You Can’t Kill Stephen King is available on DVD and on-demand in the US via Big Screen Entertainment Group.