A Labour of love from Annie Riordan and Keri O’Shea
Annie: Summer, 2003. Pirates Of The Caribbean had only been in theaters for a month and I was already sick as shit of Jolly Roger eye patches and “Talk Like A Pirate” day. I mean, sure – it was a cool movie and I’d enjoyed it, but the sudden and inexplicable worship of All Things Pirate which had exploded in its wake had completely passed me by. Pirates just don’t do it for me. If I want to watch a whisper thin guy prance about in knee high boots, puffy shirts, bigass hats and shitloads of jewelry, I’ll watch Flyguy in “I’m Gonna Git You Sucka.” Pirates do not instill any fear in me. The idea of going up against one threatens me about as much as the thought of being bitchslapped to death by Estelle Getty. 2003 marked the first time I ever won an argument using just one word, when a young coworker – with visions of Johhny Depp unbuckling his swash dancing in her head, no doubt – tried her articulated best to convince me that pirates were the most fearsome badasses ever to circumnavigate the globe. I waited until she’d finished and simply said: “Vikings.”
I saw the realization hit her, saw the mental image of Johnny Depp in his swishy little outfit getting his rum-soaked ass kicked by a seven foot tall Norseman whose beard alone probably outweighed Depp by forty pounds or more. She promptly shut up. Yeah, that’s right. Hammer of the Gods, bitch.
That said however, there is a serious lack of movies about Vikings. Edit: GOOD movies about Vikings. And I don’t even count the ones made before the 80s because Kirk Douglas looks about as much like a fucking Viking as my ass does. Vikings did not have Gillette razors, Brylcreem or shiny pectoral oil, okay? They were hairy and stinky and nobody fucked with them. They could pick you up with one hand and crush you against their mighty foreheads like beer cans. They were not pretty little bitches in foofoo fabrics. When they wanted a new outfit, they plowed up a moose’s ass, ate it from the inside out and just wore it when they were done. Hey, you thought Peter Steele had a big dick? Viking dicks were taller than Peter Steele wearing platform shoes. Vikings were never meant to be portrayed as Sexy or Hawt…but some of them were anyway.
Gunnar, Pathfinder (Clancy Brown)
Keri: Ah, Pathfinder. The fact that I can happily objectify your actors means I can steadfastly ignore the anti-Viking bias in this frankly substance-free, but often picturesque movie. In Pathfinder’s world, y’see, the Norsemen are all degenerate barbarians, closer to orcs than men, and – significantly – they’re the ones speaking a subtitled language here, while the Native Americans they encounter are all jolly nice and speak English to boot. English! But anyway: cartoon strip rendition of Apocalypto this may well be, but I’m about to overlook any bias against the world’s first naval superpower by focusing on Gunnar, played by Clancy Brown. Yeah, I could have gone for main man Karl Urban, the Norse guy brought up by Native Americans, but to be perfectly frank, I’m beyond the time in my life where I can enthuse over beardless novices. He’s just a bit polished-looking for me. Gunnar, on the other hand, is a man you’d want on your side if your society collapsed. Hewn rock with a beard hanging off it. Yes please. (The brick outhouse that is Ralf Möller, otherwise known as the huge German guy in Gladiator, is in this too – playing Ulfar. But I didn’t want to be too greedy, you know?)
Snorri, 1066 (Søren Byder)
Keri: 1066, made for and screened by the UK’s Channel 4, is probably as far as it’s possible to get from Pathfinder whilst simultaneously having anything to do with Vikings. And why? Well, the historical accuracy of 1066 is just a wonder to behold. Although the characters are fictitious, the circumstances enacted here are meticulously researched, and 1066 went as far as hiring actors from the parts of the world where their respective characters hailed – so Snorri here is a bona fide Norseman, Søren Byder, and bloody marvellous he is too. What really comes across in 1066 is a sense of what both the Norwegian and the English armies were fighting for – there’s no demonisation required. Invader, yes, but Snorri is depicted as articulate, loyal and smart (fluent in English, folks) as well as physically strong and brave, with good reasons for deciding to cross the sea. On a far more shallow level, that braid? Hot. Gives me something to hang onto!
Volnard, Severed Ways: the Norse Discovery of America (Fiore Tedesco)
Keri: Oh, my. With the greatest of respect to actor (and also writer, director and producer) Tony Stone, I could look at Fiore Tedesco all day. Severed Ways has had its fair share of detractors, I understand why this is, but I have to say I’m not one of them. This is one bold indie film in my book, and although I was perfectly happy before I’d seen a Viking toilet break in all its glory, I really liked the (other) atmosphere and aesthetics here. And I don’t just mean Volnard, either. Get your minds out of the gutter. When I wasn’t making lewd comments to myself as I sat alone at my laptop, like the sad person I am, I was noticing the beautiful use of natural light (and natural light only), the striking landscapes and the ambient metal soundtrack. Essentially, if you have a place in your cold, kvult hearts for black metal, this is like a scenic postcard crossed with a love letter from that genre of music. That suits me just fine…also, how do you say ‘marry me’ in Old Norse? Just wondering.
Skeld the Superstitious, The 13th Warrior (Richard Bremmer)
Annie: What a badass. Skeld is a fiery redhead, and the twelfth warrior to volunteer to fight alongside Prince Buliwyf (read Beowulf) in the far north. With his heavy duty facial tattoos and icy, unblinking glare, Skeld is not someone you’d be naturally inclined to fuck with. He’s got a nasty temper to back up his intimidating aura, and he not only knows how to use a sword, he knows how to make them too. Skeld is also played by Richard Bremmer, a woefully underrated actor who, once upon a time, played a bad guy named Voldemort in a little movie called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Way more badass than Ralph Fiennes, just saying.
One Eye, Valhalla Rising (Mads Mikkelsen)
Annie: You might be able to catch a Viking, lock him in a cage and make him do your bidding for a while. But he will never be your bitch. And he WILL find a way to escape. And when I say “escape” I mean “kill everyone who wronged him in the most viciously brutal manner possible and then calmly stroll of into the sunset like the most badass mutherfucker in the world.” That’s pretty much what One Eye does. He never speaks, he never smiles, he never stops fighting. He’s also covered in ink and spends a good lot of the movie stripped to the waist and rolling around in the mud with other guys. Score for Norse Porn! His hair is a mess, his face is fucked up and you just know that the inside of his clothes probably smell like old bacon and ass, but he’s played by Mads Mikkelsen, therefore you’d fuck him no matter what. I even know hetero guys who would fuck him, if only to absorb some of his badassery.
Buliwyf, The 13th Warrior (Vladmimir Kulich)
Annie: Blonds aren’t really my type, but there’s no denying that the six foot four inch tall, wide as a wine cask Prince Buliwyf is Awesome Incarnate. He’s a goddamned Viking prince, swathed in animal skins and wielding a sword bigger than a Redwood tree. He’s grim and serious and cold as stone, yet he’s also wise and compassionate, likes dogs and short walks on the beach. He also knows how to stand in the prow of a longship and yell “Odin!” into the fog like a super boss. He even puts up with Antonio Banderas’s whiny shit longer than most people would have. That, my friends, is supernatural. I think even Thor Himself would have smacked the shit out of Tony much earlier on.
So all you little pirate fangirls – you keep your swaggery little pseudo-sailors, your wimpy Caribbean beaches and your goddamned rum. Me and Keri – aka Norse Whores Inc. – will be drinking mead out of a horn, listening to Ulver and playing “hide the hammer” with some barrel chested badasses beneath a mound of animal skins in the mighty pine forests of Scandinavia. Gå og pul deg selv!