Review by Quin
Doesn’t it feel like there has been a huge influx lately of horror movies about houses? I’ve seen a lot and noticed quite a few titles and DVD covers and posters where the house seems to be the main character – now that I think about it, it’s usually the best actor in the film. Well, the old horror convention that goes back almost a century is that these houses in these movies are haunted. The logical conclusion we can come to (based on experience) is that these houses are haunted by ghosts. The Perfect House does something a bit different with that old premise – this house is haunted by memories. Sure, ghosts seem to be residual manifestations of memories in one way or another in fiction and in ghost hunting reality shows (probably also fiction), but the house here appears to be able to transfer memories to certain people that step inside. This one interesting quality is where my praise for The Perfect House comes to a screeching halt. The rest isn’t the worst thing ever, but it’s definitely not good.
The Perfect House is directed by Kris Hulbert and Randy Kent with a script written by Hulbert. It begins with a family gathering. For the most part it seems pretty mundane, but we keep getting quick flashes of some kind of psychosis in the patriarch of the family. In case you miss these flashes (’cause they are pretty quick) the score lets you know that he’s probably crazy (I know, sometimes the viewer needs a little help). All of a sudden, there’s an awkward outburst and confrontation about a weed wacker – and then the opening credits roll with music that sounds like it was leftover from a Terminator movie, complete with sword clanging or metal sharpening sound effects. I feel it’s important that I explain all of this to you, because it really sets the tone for the rest of the film. The whole normal-but-sort-of-boring stuff switched to high-energy-rage-and-violence, ending with a punchline, is just the sort of thing that makes this movie completely schizophrenic, and not at all in a good way that keeps you guessing what will happen next. Instead it’s dull and predictable, and when there is violence it gets extremely dark, and it’s all just too jarring to enjoy on any of its way too many levels.
This is an anthology film, but the setup I just walked you through isn’t the framing storyline. After the credits, we are introduced to a young couple looking to buy a house. Apart from the weirdly sexual vibes they get from the realtor (whose blouse is practically unbuttoned, and she really wants to show them the bedroom) and the fact that it looks like there is blood on the dining room table (sometimes you have to put up with a little dried blood if you want an already furnished house) everything seems cool; these two are serious buyers and serious idiots. So while they are looking around the place, they keep feeling strange and keep getting chills, but as the viewer, we are treated to memories of things that happened in the house sometime before. The first one is in black and white, so it must have happened a long time ago. What starts off as a family of four playing cards in a basement during a storm, turns into a revelation of incest and child abuse, which isn’t all that startling. I mean, it should be, but it’s really not here. Instead it’s just in spooky, retro black and white and sprinkled with campy acting from mom. As the daughter warns, “She’s going to get sick again.” And then mutters, “It’s not the storm I’m scared of, it’s Mommy.” This is just the first of three stories we are told, and I use the word ‘story’ loosely.
The next one is straight up torture porn about a guy who keeps a girl locked in a cage inside his basement. This one is obviously inspired by the post-modern, self aware, meta-horror of the early 2000’s. The killer even says, “There are no egotistical, corrupt moral motives here…just one man thinning out the herd.” Yawn. Then the final installment comes back around to the family dinner from hell, where Grandpa has decided he is going to force mom to murder all of her children. This is probably the best of the bunch. Again, it gets super dark, but the intensity is really ramped up to eleven, so splatter fans will probably be pleased. There is also an appearance from Felissa Rose (Angela Baker from Sleepaway Camp) and she’s definitely not wasted. She can act and she has to do some pretty difficult stuff here. She pulls it all off very well. Too bad the rest of the cast is so terrible. But the material is where the main problem is. It’s simply bad storytelling.
I have always loved the use of the anthology to tell stories in the horror genre, but this is certainly no Creepshow or better yet, something from Amicus Productions from the 1960’s or early 70’s. In a genre where it’s really hard to sustain terror and fear for the duration of a feature film, the anthology offers a chance to tell much shorter stories that usually pack a bigger punch – as in the old saying that sometimes less is more – whereas the longer the film, the more likely it will take cheap shots and go for things like jump scare fake outs.
The synopsis provided by the filmmakers says it’s “Inspired by the styles of three of the most famous time periods and sub genres of horror.” I’m not really sure what they mean by that – I guess it’s black and white (classic?), torture porn and more torture porn? I think that’s only two. But are those really the most famous time periods in horror? Have these people ever seen a horror movie? I think they watched Psycho (and probably thought it was made around the same time as Bride of Frankenstein) and then watched Saw and said “Let’s make a movie.” And they did it in 14 days. But, good for them. No, seriously. In think that’s awesome. And I’m sure there are going to be lots of people that will love this movie. I’m not one of them. But this review isn’t about me. I gave their movie a shot. I didn’t like. I let you know my feelings in an honest and direct way. Now where’s my list? What do I get to see next?
The Perfect House is released to US DVD on July 22nd, from Wild Eye Releasing.