Review by Ben Bussey
Let’s not beat around the proverbial bush. What we have here is a classic case of a low budget straight-to-DVD movie cashing in on another similarly-themed major movie with a similar-sounding title (the film in this case having been retitled specifically to cash in further – Apocalypse Z was originally known as Zombie Massacre). This is done at least partially in the hopes of duping the less attentive consumer into thinking it really is the major movie in question. I know what you’re thinking: this must be from The Asylum, right? Wrong. It’s even worse… this is a Uwe Boll production. Shudder. In case you’re one of those fortunate souls who has never sat through a Boll movie, may I assure you that his reputation as the absolute worst hack imaginable is 100% warranted. The likes of Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne truly are abysmal on every level, displaying a bare-faced contempt for their audience that even Michael Bay would consider a bit much. Sure, we might breathe a sigh of relief to see that he isn’t the director of Apocalypse Z, this duty being shared by Luca Boni and Marco Ristori, but seeing Boll’s name so prominently featured on a movie which already looked almost certain to be piece of shit: I’m sure I can be forgiven for going into Apocalypse Z with very, very low expectations indeed.
It probably goes without saying that Apocalypse Z is indeed crap. Utterly derivative, terribly overwritten, blandly shot, thoroughly lacking in logic, with acting that ranges between the laughably OTT and the painfully incompetent. All that said… is it wrong of me to admit that I quite enjoyed it?
Assuming anyone needs a plot synopsis, here goes: our setting is a remote, sparsely populated town in the shadow of a nuclear power plant in Romania, where a US government science experiment has gone badly wrong, resulting in – would you believe – zombies. US government officials, who seem strangely European, decide their only option is to wipe the town off the map. So they send a jet and nuke it from a safe distance, right? Well, no: they send in a crack team of mercenaries to deliver the bomb in person. I guess it would have been a considerably shorter film if they hadn’t taken this course of action, as the bulk of the movie is spent following this team, all of whom we are told are, as ever, the absolute best in their field: one of them could shoot the head off a mouse from a mile away, while another could make a bomb out of a paper clip, or words to that effect. Then we have the ginger ninja, apparently the deadliest woman alive in hand-to-hand combat, though she looks suspiciously like she’s never held a sword in her life before. Leading the motley crew is a big Yankee grunt who looks like a crossbreed of Don Draper and Lou Ferrigno. Cue way too much dialogue, not nearly enough zombies, some rather feeble action sequences – and in the final scene, topless zombie women. (I freely admit the above screenshot is in no way representative of the bulk of Apocalypse Z, but it’s one of the film’s few relatively memorable images. And, y’know, tits. Anyway, it’s certainly no less representative than the official cover art.)
Oh, and in one brief and utterly gratuitous scene, Uwe Boll cameos as the US President, making about as much effort to seem American as Kevin Costner did to sound English in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
So yes, once again, Apocalypse Z is total unmitigated shite, hackneyed and ham-fisted in every respect – but as such, it’s perfectly undemanding fun. Call me crazy, but I found it a refreshing change to see a corny B-movie played largely straight, as opposed to all the ‘ironic’ pseudo-grindhouse we’ve been inundated with of late. The fact Apocalypse Z is more sincere in its efforts to fake a grandiose spectacle with clearly limited resources means it’s far closer to the true spirit of 80s trash. I wouldn’t suggest rushing out to buy it as soon as possible, but should it happen to cross your path you could do far worse than giving it a whirl. Yes, it’s shit, but it’s not shit shit.
Apocalypse Z is out on Region 2 DVD from 1st July, via Metrodome.