Love them as we may, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are perplexing figures at times. Given their obvious, long-proven skill as both performers and writers, it’s hard not to be struck by how often they lend their talents to projects that are clearly beneath them; this is especially true of Pegg, who may have carved out a respectable niche for himself as a Hollywood supporting actor, but whose lead work outside of the Cornetto trilogy has left a great deal to be desired. Now in fairness, Pegg and Frost are neither the lead actors nor the writers of Slaughterhouse Rulez, but it’s the first film to come out of their production house Stolen Image, and as executive producers with key supporting roles the film is largely being sold on their presence. (As if any modern comedy horror, from Britain in particular, needed more reason to be instantly compared and contrasted with Shaun of the Dead).
Well, who knows; maybe the project looked like a safe bet in the early stages. Certainly from the central premise – an upper class English boarding school comes under attack from subterranean monsters – there was hope for a fun creature feature. Alas, Slaughterhouse Rulez (and no, I don’t know what the thinking is behind that moronic title either) is yet another mid-budget genre production that aims high and falls flat on its face almost immediately.
Unassuming young northerner Don Wallace (Finn Cole) is a new arrival at Slaughterhouse, a very expensive and exclusive public school (clarification for international readers: in the UK a ‘public school’ is in fact a private school) situated on a remote country estate. Assigned to the least respected school house with outcast Willoughby (Asa Butterfield) as his room mate, Don quickly learns the hard way that life is hell there for anyone not at the top of pecking order. However, Hell is on its way to Slaughterhouse in a more literal sense, as fracking on the school grounds – all very much approved by Michael Sheen’s upper class twit headmaster – is leading to very strange and sinister goings-on, as mysterious, carnivorous creatures from deep underground make it to the surface with a taste for posh kid meat.
It all sounds like great fun, and there’s really no reason it shouldn’t have been, if only director/co-writer Crispian Mills (yes, 90s kids, the former lead singer and guitarist from Kula Shaker) had approached it with a clearer idea of what he was trying to make. On the one hand it’s going for a standard teen friendly comedy horror; on the other, it has aspirations of topical satire. On top of the fracking subplot, efforts are made to critique the public school system, the toll it takes on those trapped within it, and by extension the detrimental effects this has on the country as a whole; it’s no accident that all the posh boy bullies look and sound like future Conservative front-benchers. Yet when it’s trying so hard to be all thoughtful and edgy, Slaughterhouse Rulez completely neglects to build three-dimensional characters, a compelling story, or – most importantly – be in the least bit funny or scary.
I haven’t seen Mills’ previous film with Pegg, 2012’s A Fantastic Fear of Everything, but I’ve heard almost nothing good about it, and on the strength of this I certainly don’t think he’s got much of a future as a director. Despite having a very decent cast, a clearly reasonable budget, some nice practical effects work (the monster designs aren’t half bad) and a premise with clear potential, Slaughterhouse Rulez is an ungodly mess. Again, this makes Pegg and Frost’s connection to it all the more unsavoury. Revisit Shaun, Hot Fuzz and The World’s End; they’re pretty much masterclasses in fully rounded storytelling, character building and narrative structure, which make a point of packing in as much real wit and heart as possible. This just feels like Mills and co flung as much shit at the wall as possible and waited to see what would stick; and very little did.
Slaughterhouse Rulez is available now in the UK on digital download, and comes to DVD and Blu-ray on 11th March, from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment.