Review by Ben Bussey
How fondly and vividly I recall the build-up to Piranha 3D. From the moment those first photos came online, with Kelly Brook and Riley Steele dancing in their bikinis and throngs of nameless extras plastered in astonishingly gruesome make-up, my heart was captured, along with that of every other horror fanboy. Marc and I posted every inconsequential snippet of news we could on it, giddy with schoolboyish anticipation for what Alexandre Aja promised would be the biggest, grandest guilty pleasure tits and gore movie ever made. And even though the resulting movie did not disappoint (despite my initial reservations), I can quite comfortably say that I enjoyed that foreplay more than the finish.
With Piranha 3DD, things have been a little more subdued. Once the guffaws at the inspired title died down, it all went a bit quiet. There were no eye-catching set photos lighting up cyberspace, no murmurs of how much fun the cast and crew were having. Indeed, the only Chinese whispers leaking out were speculations that it might go straight to DVD. Surely not, we thought. For some, alarm bells were ringing when it missed its intial release date, but then so had its predecessor. No cause for concern there, then. No press screenings beforehand? Big deal. Again, like its predecessor Piranha 3DD should in theory be critic-proof. Surely there was nothing to worry about.
Quoth Kevin Spacey: “WRONNNNNNNNNNNNG!”
Perhaps the first clue should have been when the poster to the left was released. Take a good look at this poster, if you will. See what a badly composed, obvious Photoshop job it is; how the head clearly does not belong on the body; how the killer fish themselves are an afterthought; how poorly it tries to balance terror and titilation. It beggars belief that anyone thought this poster should be released to the public, that it was suitable to sell the film. Well, perhaps in this case the marketing department were subversively making a point. Yes, the poster is a supremely lazy hack job, but that is an entirely accurate reflection of the product. Piranha 3DD is potentially the most incompetent excuse for filmmaking I have ever seen from a mainstream horror franchise, so poor that – and I can’t quite believe I’m about to type this – it makes me stop and think that Platinum Dunes weren’t that bad after all. Sure, their films were painfully formulaic and designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator, but they were at least vaguely coherent. This – this is practically Uwe Boll standard. Chirst, it’s only a hair’s breadth above Friedberg and Seltzer. Indeed, it could have been released under the title Piranha Movie and I doubt anyone would have blinked.
I’m not even talking about the little things like the premise being dumb, or the special effects being subpar, or most of the cast looking embarrassed to be there; those things were always a given. The problem here is the outright lethargy of it all. It’s the most basic of horror movie formulas with a few “wow, look how crazy we are!” moments tacked on to delude you that you’ve got your money’s worth. Never is there any sense of build-up or payoff; never do any of the gags hit home they way they should. And it’s such a shame, because clearly the most thought went into the gags, and under different circumstances some of them might have really worked; I won’t give any away, though if you’ve watched any of the trailers you should already have a good idea what to expect. As for everything in between the gags; well, as you may have gathered from my overall tone, it’s just half-arsed codswallop. (A lot of people felt this way about Hatchet II, and although I was one of that film’s few defenders I could see their point… well guys, Hatchet II is The Shining next to this.)
Contrary to what we might sometimes feel, you can’t just throw a few tit shots and a bit of gore onto any old piece of shit and wind up with a great B-movie. We have to earn those money shots. Look at Piranha 3D; we’re given time to get to know Jerry O’Connell, Kelly Brook and Riley Steele, every successive scene making us that bit more anxious to see the girls getting naked and Jerry suffering a hideous death; subsequently, it’s a reward when those sights are delivered. Here, with Danielle Panabaker, Katrina Bowden, Meagan Tandy; yes, they’re all lovely to look at, but it’s evident early on that none of them will actually be disrobing, and in a film of this nature that is simply breaking the rules. Throwing in a few anonymous naked extras now and then, no matter how visually striking they may be, simply won’t make up the difference. (Case in point: the owner of the film’s most infamous decollatage, showcased at the top of the page, appears only in the few seconds you’ve most likely seen already in the trailers.) And while, yes, a few of the key players meet a grisly end, there’s nothing to match the satisfaction of seeing O’Connell made a eunech, and the gore quota of the finale isn’t even a hair on the arse of the original’s Spring Break massacre.
The Hoff isn’t funny. The Garey Busey cameo – near enough blink and you’ll miss it – isn’t funny either. The return of Ving Rhames and Paul Scheer is stupid, pointless, and also isn’t funny. As for David “whammy!” Koechner… I just feel sorry for him.
It ain’t double the terror, nor double the D’s. It’s well more than double the sense that you’ve wasted your time and money. Yes, it really is that bad. Sorry. I’d recommend you just watch the fucking trailer again and leave it at that.
Piranha 3DD is out now in UK cinemas, and in US cinemas and on VOD from June 1st, from Dimension.