Review by Ben Bussey
Okay. At least 600 words on a movie about man-eating sharks that swim in the sand instead of the sea. I can do this. Of course I can. Never mind that it basically requires no review as the title, DVD cover and trailer tell you all you need to know. Never mind that it retreads the exact same territory that countless low budget creature features have over the decades. Never mind that it’s designed to be essentially critic-proof, as it wears its outright stupidity as a badge of honour; accuse it of being inane, uninventive, lazy, badly written, badly directed, badly shot, badly acted and sporting pathetic special effects, and those responsible will no doubt laugh, cheer and insist that was entirely the point, smiling down from their ivory tower of ironic detachment.
Sigh. Breathe. Breathe.
Alright, here’s the thing. Being a bit ironic will only float you so far. True, this kind of monster movie is not an especially demanding proposition, but certain criteria must be met: good monsters, attractive locations, similarly attractive and (where possible) endearing performers, a sense of humour, and decent set-pieces. And, particularly if it’s a DTV deal like this one, a hefty side order of gratuitous gore and nudity wouldn’t go amiss either.
So, just how much of this does Sand Sharks deliver, I hear you ask? Well… tempted as I am to score it a big fat zero, that might be a little harsh. The creature design isn’t completely awful, the sandy beaches are pleasant enough, and the cast aren’t necessarily the worst-looking, least-likeable ensemble you’ll ever come across. But as for everything else… yeesh. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: just because a film is knowingly shit doesn’t keep it from being actually shit. And so it is with Sand Sharks.
We have the classic ensemble of also-rans: Corin Nemec, AKA the one from Stargate SG-1 who wasn’t Daniel Jackson; Vanessa Lee Evigan, daughter of Greg (My Two Dads) and less bankable sister of Brianna (Sorority Row, Burning Bright); Brooke Hogan, by-product of Hulkamania. With a line-up as (ahem) star-studded as that, it’s no wonder everything else is cut-price, particularly once we reach the climactic super-awesome beach party which has all of twenty people in attendance. And of course the budget isn’t there for too much creature action, so the gaps are filled in with… gulp… plot and dialogue. And all the while, because it’s clearly intended for the SyFy Channel, nobody gets to swear, nobody gets laid, nobody even comes close to getting naked. Sure, there’s a smidgeon of blood and guts, but otherwise it’s all so safe and sanitary they could show this at church camp. They even go so far as to have a brief moment when a girl is about to remove her bikini top, before a sand shark jumps up and chows down (and that non-money shot even appears in the trailer below). Obviously this is meant to be a little joke, but it just leaves the viewer wondering what the point is.
It doesn’t matter how closely you imitate key scenes and lines from Jaws, saying shit like “You’re gonna need a bigger beach.” It doesn’t matter that Brooke Hogan makes a Roger Corman reference (Sand Sharks is of course being distributed by Corman’s AWP), in-between spouting marine biological blather in such a manner as to make Denise Richards in The World Is Not Enough suddenly seem entirely credible as a nuclear physicist. It doesn’t matter how hard Corin Nemec tries to channel Bruce Campbell. Sometimes a shit, stupid film is just a shit, stupid film, no matter how hard they ram the tongue into the cheek. That’s over 600 words now, isn’t it…?
Chelsea Films release Sand Sharks to Region 2 DVD from 9th January 2012. Happy New Fucking Year.