By Ben Bussey
If you’ll pardon me starting off on a topical note; it’s hard not to see some parallels between the enduring filmmaking career of Rob Zombie, and the political progress of Donald Trump. Hear me out on this one. From the very beginning, few people expected either man to succeed in their new field; why, it seemed like they were doing it simply because they could, just for shits and giggles, and common sense dictated they wouldn’t stick at it long before heading back to the world they knew. But no; they kept at it. And with time, their following grew more and more devoted. Whilst despairing critics cried at every turn, “that’s it, he’s screwed the pooch this time, no one will support him anymore,” we were proved wrong at every turn. It made no difference how blatant their mistakes were, how much their output lacked anything of real substance, how flagrantly dim-witted and lowest-common-denominator their approach seemed to be; their ardent followers loved every second of it. So it is that neither man appears to have learned from their mistakes, or even acknowledge that any mistakes were made, and continues to bloody-mindedly follow the exact same path regardless.
The difference, of course, is that a new Rob Zombie movie poses no actual threat to anyone.
Okay, enough half-arsed political allegory; I should hope you see my point. Die-hard Rob Zombie fans aren’t going to give a shit either way what I have to say about 31; if you love his existing body of cinematic work, odds are you’ll love this too, because – just as we’d expected from the day the film was announced – it’s more of the same. As such, if you hate Rob Zombie’s filmography to date, 31 obviously isn’t going to do a damn thing to change your opinion either.
But for the apparent few who are comparatively neutral on Rob Zombie – and I count myself among this number – it’s hard to greet 31 with anything but a sad sigh of resignation. With the two-volume misstep that was the Halloween reboot now properly behind him, there was the possibility that Zombie could really start to break out in new directions; indeed, given that he’s known to have been unsuccessfully trying to get ice hockey movie Broad Street Bullies off the ground for some time, there have long been clear indications that the writer-director’s heart just isn’t in horror anymore. Even so, his last movie The Lords of Salem proved to be, I think, his most rewarding film to date (though I admit it took me a couple of viewings to really appreciate it), and if he continued further down that path – making fucked-up, strange films purely to please himself – then Zombie’s future looked bright. Alas, with 31 he would appear to have made a movie designed first and foremost to please his fans, which feels like a major step backwards.
Plot-wise, there isn’t too much to tell; bunch of 40-plus white trash carnies (well okay, a few of them are black) drive up a dusty southern road on October 31st 1976, in scenes which might have been lifted directly from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre except for how much older the passengers are, and how much colourful profanity spills out of their mouths. Not too long after nightfall, a strange roadblock stops them dead in their tracks, and they’re under attack; next thing they know, the five survivors find themselves on their knees in some sort of abandoned factory, being looked down upon by three absurd looking, plummy-accented aristocrats in heavy make-up and giant wigs, being tended to by naked slave girls in masks. The carnies have been selected to play the game they call 31, which presumably refers only to the date as there certainly aren’t that many participants, nor is it played out over that many hours. The rules are simple; if the captives can survive the night in the factory, during which time they will come under attack from a variety of costumed assailants, then they can leave. But it’s made abundantly clear that the odds are against them.
It does sound like a potentially fun idea, and done right it no doubt could have been an engrossing fight to the death exploitationer in the vein of The Running Man or Death Race 2000. However, Rob Zombie once again made that fatal mistake he keeps on making, which never fails to scupper his efforts: he insisted on writing the thing himself. This, I have no doubt, is the key thing holding Zombie back as a filmmaker. As a director, he isn’t bad at all; he’s a great audio-visual stylist with an eye for memorable imagery and iconography, hence his creation Captain Spaulding has become one of the most iconic horror characters of the 21st century thus far (31’s Doom Head is clearly intended to follow suit, but – despite the best efforts of actor Richard Brake – falls short). As a writer, though, Zombie simply isn’t up to scratch. In every instance, his films feel like they’re made from a first draft script, bulging with terrible dialogue which no doubt sounded sharp and witty in his head but falls flat on delivery. And in 31, it doesn’t even feel like he’s trying. The premise suggests a thrill-a-minute, anything can happen at any time atmosphere, and yet it’s all staggeringly predictable.
Much has been made of how the film had to go by the MPAA a few times to avoid an NC-17 rating (for what it’s worth the film got an 18 with no cuts from the BBFC, although it’s feasible this was a pre-cut version), and sure enough it’s as gory as you’d expect in places, but there isn’t much here that’s likely to shock any seasoned horror fan, and certainly not anyone who’s seen Rob Zombie’s other movies. Why, you’re liable to be every bit as unfazed by it all as Malcolm McDowell clearly is; and who can blame him, he’s seen it all before and more, he was in Caligula after all.
In summation, the only thing truly surprising about 31 is that Sherri Moon Zombie doesn’t get her arse out once. Other than that, it’s the same old same old. Once again, though, if you like Rob Zombie movies, you may well still enjoy 31. For everyone else, there really isn’t any point giving it the time of day.
31 is in UK cinemas and on VOD now from Vertigo Releasing.