By Ben Bussey
I’m not sure I need to open on a disclaimer, but I really feel the need to emphasise straight away that I am not in any way biased against mainstream horror. There does tend to be this default ‘mainstream bad, indie good’ mentality that comes up among self-professed serious genre fans, but I’ve noted time and again that the indie scene is frequently guilty of producing just as much unimaginative cookie cutter garbage as the type of bigger-budget horror flicks that perpetually clog up the multiplexes; on top of which, there have been plenty of studio horrors that have been widely dismissed by fandom which I have no qualms admitting I thoroughly enjoyed, such as Sorority Row, The Purge or Insidious. That said, I absolutely understand the frustration that mainstream horror so often inspires, given the deluge of remakes, sequels and found footage flicks that makes up most studio output, and how frequently these movies play it safe, aiming to appeal to the lowest common denominator with obvious cheap scares, predictable plots and bland catalogue model lead actors who are almost impossible to care about. When you think about the extra resources these studio-financed films have at their disposal, and what a filmmaker of real vision might be able to accomplish with all that (if only they were granted the necessary creative freedom), it’s little wonder that so many mainstream horror films inspire such vitriol.
And, as this preamble might have implied, Annabelle is absolutely no exception. It’s all very well-made, it looks good, has some truly decent supporting actors in Alfre Woodard and F Murray Abraham, and even has some promising plot elements by basing its genesis story of the possessed doll in a Manson Family-esque Age of Aquarius cult – and yet it all winds up painfully bland, uninvolving, and instantly forgettable.
(Okay, time for a second disclaimer – I realise this is a prequel to 2013 movie The Conjuring, which is based at least in part on allegedly real events. I haven’t actually seen The Conjuring, nor do I have any knowledge of the true stories behind it. I don’t know if that makes a great deal of difference. I’m not too well-versed on the finer details of the real life tragedies that occurred on 7th December 1941, but I still know the movie Pearl Harbor was a giant turd.)
The plot, so much as I can bothered to recount what little I remember of it, centres on a young well-to-do couple living the American dream at the tail end of the flower power era, with a baby on the way. However, one night their house is invaded by a couple of dirty hippy satanist types who try to kill them, until the cops show up and blow them away. However, one of the attackers – a young woman – is clutching the hideously ugly collector’s item doll that handsome doctor hubby bought for bland blonde wife the day before based on some supremely misguided notion that it would brighten up the nursery. Anyway, a drop of the dying woman’s blood trickles into the eye of the doll, only making it even uglier. And guess what – the dying crazy hippy girl’s name is Annabelle. And now the doll’s possessed. She didn’t have to chant “Ade due damballa, give me the power, I beg of you” or anything.
So beyond that – couple movie into an apartment with their new baby, presumably so it can all seem a bit more like Rosemary’s Baby, and wifey encounters strange phenomena while hubby remains sceptical, Alfre Woodard becomes a mother figure/provider of mystical exposition, things go creak, there are sudden cheap jump scares, and it’s all so prosaic and dull it hurts. Horror movies come in all shapes and sizes: nasty, silly, loud, quiet, ugly, pretty… but the last things they should ever be are nice, safe and boring. But that’s how everything in Annabelle plays out: nice, safe, boring story; nice, safe, boring camerawork; nice, safe, boring performances. This seems to be the most common complaint of mainstream horror, and if Annabelle’s anything to go by the studios just aren’t learning from their mistakes. There’s absolutely nothing in here to prompt any excitement, any tension, any emotional response at all beyond indifference. I don’t know if having seen The Conjuring will add a great deal to the experience, but I seriously doubt it, as whichever way you cut it Annabelle is a turgid, tedious waste of time.
Annabelle is released to UK DVD, Blu-ray and VOD on 23rd February, from Warner Bros.