By Ben Bussey
Hot on the heels of Keri’s (ahem) enthusiastic appraisal of Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, here I come with another couple of eye-catching titles from the golden days of Full Moon’s straight-to-video empire, now reborn into the DVD age (just as DVD itself is starting to have a certain vintage appeal, alarmingly). Now, if you will excuse me and I’m sure that you will, I’m going to be on the level with you – 88 Films just sent us a whole bunch of these screeners, so you’ll be seeing a fair few more reviews of these kind of movies in the near future (the patience of our UK staff willing). And if you will permit me further frankness – given that these are, like I said, films from Full Moon’s mid-80s to early 90s VHS back catalogue, I find it rather disingenuous of 88 Films to christen this their ‘Grindhouse Collection.’ Smacks of a misplaced desire to tap into the zeitgeist, when it would have been more appropriate, individual and possibly even trend-setting to sell the films based on their straight-to-video status (although of course Arrow Video may have pipped them to the post on that one).
Okay, mini-rant over. Suppose I should talk a bit about the films in question now. Hmmm… okay, what sophisticated artistic insights can I give into Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity and Beach Babes From Beyond? Erm… well, they both have ‘From Beyond’ in the title. How’s about that, eh? Unfortunately they don’t have hideous slimy Lovecraftian monstrosities or Barbara Crampton in bondage gear, like the Stuart Gordon classic which, incidentally, came to Blu-ray recently. But they do have scantily clad Californian beach blondes in fantasy scenarios, and use those basic elements to somewhat different ends.
To start with the older film, although in this case it’s certainly not a case of age before beauty – Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity follows Elizabeth Cayton and Cindy Beal as a pair of women who escape an alien prison of some sort and seek refuge on an isolated jungle world, where they find themselves the unwitting guests of an eccentric rich dude. Alas, turns out rich dude is a hunting fanatic and stark raving bonkers, and plans to use the ladies as big game. Yes, believe it or not this is a bargain basement sci-fi remake of The Most Dangerous Game. Subsequently, while it’s chock-full of cardboard sets, clunky robots, and pretty ladies wearing either next to nothing or literally nothing – among them one of the ladies no 80s DTV effort is complete without, Brinke Stevens – it’s also surprisingly verbose, with endless chin-stroking monologues on the existential overtones of the thrill of the hunt and the battle for survival. Not quite sure what the plan was here; did director Ken Dixon hope for his viewers to contemplate the meaning of life whilst pounding their privates to a pulp? Not that I found myself doing either. No, really. I was too busy being bored for that. There’s a reason many of these things play better in the trailers, or in truncated ‘best-of’ Youtube compilations: while they may amuse to begin with, at feature length they don’t half get tedious.
But when it comes to tedium, Beach Babes From Beyond is king of the hill and no mistake. Directed by David DeCoteau, it was the first film from Full Moon’s ‘erotic’ imprint Torchlight, and it hinges largely on the novelty casting of celebrity siblings Joe Estevez, Don Swayze and Joey Travolta, with supporting turns from Burt ‘Robin’ Ward and another of the ladies no 80s DTV effort is complete without, Linnea Quigley (with whom DeCoteau must have been trying to set some kind of record: that’s two films of his I’ve seen now in which he’s cast Quigley and kept her fully clothed, the other being the considerably more entertaining Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama). A trio of extra-terrestrial valley girls – all blonde, shapely and strip-happy, would you believe – take Daddy’s interstellar hot rod on a joyride and inadvertently wind up on a California beach, only to cross paths with three guys who have considerably more famous brothers (none of whom particularly resemble their siblings anyway, which renders it all a bit pointless). So anyway, hippie uncle Burt Ward needs $30,000 to save his beachfront shack, and it just so happens $30,000 is the exact prize money of an upcoming bikini contest, so you can guess what transpires. In the meantime there are a few sub-Red Shoe Diaries romps, and way, way too many protracted scenes of sun-kissed youngsters dancing to quirky surf music on a beach that looks fucking freezing even to British eyes. Again, sounds funny for a few seconds. But then it just keeps going. And then… zzz.
As I’d hope is evident to anyone who’s ever read one or two of my reviews, I have nothing against intellectually-challenged low-budget trash whatsoever. Sometimes in these hastily-assembled bottom-shelf fillers we find genuine hints of the subversive, presenting a real alternative to the pomposity of the mainstream. Indeed, I’ve no doubt both these movies are aiming for that. But sometimes cheap crap is just cheap crap. If I’m being a little more forgiving I’ll say that Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity definitely has more going for it, with its fun adventure angle, silly special effects and occasional perversity, whereas Beach Babes From Beyond ditches any hint of a sci-fi angle almost immediately in favour of a cookie cutter soft porn routine peppered with limp attempts at humour. At the end of the day though, neither film has nearly enough going for it to warrant more than a fleeting smirk. Silliness, sleaziness and lack of sophistication is all well and good – but being boring is inexcusable.
Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity and Beach Babes From Beyond are both out now on Region 2 DVD from 88 Films.