Review by Ben Bussey
Once upon a time a young brother and sister were lost in the woods, happened upon a house made of gingerbread, got lured inside by its luscious goodies and wound up prisoners of an evil witch who wanted to eat them, until the kiddies turned the tables and shoved the old hag into her own flaming oven. That part we all know, of course. But once you’ve seen the dark places that lie off the beaten path, how do you get back home again? Maybe you don’t. Maybe instead you stay lost in the woods and spend your life hunting down witches, using strangely 20th century-looking weapons and speaking in American accents.
Sounds silly? Good. That’s because it is. I know it, you know it, and I daresay everyone involved in the production of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters knows it too. Really, that isn’t even the issue here. Obviously the movie is absurd; the real question we should be asking is whether it’s absurd enough. And we might not get the answer we’re hoping for, I’m afraid.
I’ve had the feeling for some time that I was one of the only people genuinely excited about this film, which is not to say I don’t understand the reasons for the widespread disdain it has been met with. What with the recent, feeble takes on Alice in Wonderland and Snow White (both of them), and the upcoming, less-than-stellar looking Jack the Giant Slayer and Oz the Great and Powerful, a lot of us are getting tired of Hollywood dishing up all these overpriced revisionist fairy tale movies, up to their bloodshot eyeballs in CGI and (as it is here) gratuitous, ticket-price boosting 3D. On top of which, big-budget studio takes on supernatural horror don’t have the best track record this past decade or so (The Wolfman, anyone?). All this considered, it’s understandable that many of us feared Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters was just going to be some midway point between Van Helsing and Underworld. Don’t worry – it’s not that bad. It doesn’t take itself anywhere near as seriously as either of those films, and – most importantly by comparison with the atrocious Van Helsing – it doesn’t outstay its welcome. With so many bloated studio movies these days going on longer than two bloody hours, Hansel & Gretel is a most welcome change of pace, coming in at less than 90 minutes including credits. No simple popcorn movie should need to be any longer. More of it, I say.
Sadly, running time is not the only thing Hansel & Gretel runs a little short on. The key problem is, though this is a film that puts the emphasis firmly on fun, it just isn’t that funny. With the deliberately anachronistic accents, weapons and gizmos, there was clearly great potential for laughs aplenty, but we’re sorely lacking in great one-liners or inventive set pieces here. As well as directing, Tommy Wirkola holds solo writing credit – and as much as I hate to say it, if this script was indeed his work alone (Hollywood script doctors often go uncredited, after all), it definitely could have done with some extensive rewriting. The dialogue for the most part is pretty dull, and low on wit – just throwing in a “fuck” every now and then won’t cut it, I’m afraid – and the story structure is pretty sloppy too, with an abundance of plot strands that either don’t go anywhere or are not resolved very well. None of it feels as sharp as it needs to be, which perhaps unsurprisingly can also be said of the inevitable deluge of CG – which, alas, appears to cover the bulk of the gore. Still, practical make-up would seem to account for at least some of the witches, as well as one of the film’s most entertaining creations: the troll portrayed by Derek Mears. I’m not going to tell you his name, as it gives the film one of its few genuine laugh-out-loud moments.
So no, it doesn’t have the most laughs, or the best gore, or a particularly good story. But you know what? It’s still fun. Given you’re in and out of there so quick, the chances of boredom setting in are so much slimmer. There’s just about enough bang for buck here to keep the less discerning viewer entertained. And let’s not be coy, it doesn’t hurt that it has a very pretty cast. Honestly, they had me at Gemma Arteton in a leather corset; add Famke Jannsen (in an enjoyably pantomime turn as the big bad) and there was no going back. Then along comes Finnish actress Pihla Viitala as Hansel’s love interest and (as the trailers have already given away) provider of nudity, and fans of the female form are spoilt rotten. For the other half, Jeremy Renner does spend a bit of time with his shirt off too.
When all is said and done, though, it’s hard not to view Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters as something of a missed opportunity. It just doesn’t have that unfettered, anarchic sensibility which made Wirkola’s breakthrough movie Dead Snow so much fun; all those belly laughs and ‘what-the-fuck’ moments are notable by their absence here. We can’t help suspecting that Hollywood politics may have come into play, and that Wirkola may have been strongarmed into neutering his vision under studio pressure; or if he simply felt a fish out of water in charge of such a larger scale production. Either way, the resulting film is simply too workmanlike to be anywhere near as memorable or iconic as it had the potential to be, which is a real shame. But even so, as undemanding mainstream fare goes, we’ve all seen plenty worse. In other words – this gingerbread house is rather underbaked, and it crumbles to dust when you pick at it, but it still tastes pretty sweet on the way down.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is in cinemas all over the place right now, from Paramount, MGM and MTV Films.