By Stephanie Scaife
I’d just like to start by saying that I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. This isn’t because I’m bitter but because I hate the marketing, the blatant fleecing all in the name of romance, the pink love hearts and special displays in stores hawking their finest selection of Nicholas Sparks books, Jennifer Aniston DVD box sets and other such things that just make me want to barf. I hate the assumption that we want nothing more than fluffy wish fulfilment, the sort of saccharine Hollywood nonsense that assumes its viewer will shed a tear into their cheap glass of chardonnay whilst secretly wishing their significant other was actually Channing Tatum. Not to mention the pressure of the socialised norm that being in a monogamous romantic relationship is such a good thing to begin with.
All of this is fucking bullshit of course and it’s not aided by the idea, oft lamented on these here pages at BAH, that chicks don’t dig horror flicks and that men must be forced to watch them alone. Well, consider this crazy concept… what if gender and sexuality have nothing to do with whether or not someone likes something? What if it’s all to do with individual taste, and having the world dictate to us what we should and shouldn’t like based on whether or not we have a vagina is complete and utter nonsense? With that in mind what I’m all about this Valentine’s Day are the unconventional romances, the ones that seem grounded in an actual, tangible sense of reality that we can all relate to no matter how fantastical or out of this world the premise, because believe it or not horror films can be just as cockle warming, and less nauseating, than your standard romantic fare. So here are my top ten suggestions (in no particular order) if you want some genuine warm and fuzzies this Valentine’s Day…
An American Werewolf in London (1981)
Let’s face it, if you don’t have a crush on Jenny Agutter after watching this movie then there’s probably something wrong with you. An American Werewolf in London is my all time favourite horror film, but it’s also pretty damned romantic too, making it the perfect choice for Valentine’s Day. David (David Naughton) and Alex’s (Agutter) liaison is passionate but ultimately doomed, you know because he’s a werewolf who kills people, so it keeps things nicely in perspective. The lesson here – don’t bring strange American men home from work unless you’re prepared to cause mass havoc in Piccadilly Circus and get your heart broken into tiny little pieces.
Jack & Diane (2012)
Bradley Rust Gray’s coming-of-age lesbian werewolf film is both odd and endearing. Hot young upstarts Riley Keough and Juno Temple star as Jack and Diane respectively, two teenage girls who meet during a long hot New York summer and instantly fall madly and dangerously in love. Jack is a street wise baby dyke and Diane is the naive innocent, whose sexual awakening breeds bizarre and destructive visions of werewolf transformations, conveyed using beautiful stop-motion sequences rendered by the Quay brothers. Jack & Diane wonderfully captures the visceral and honest nature of first love, its fickleness and all of the ups and downs that come with those pent up hormones finally having a sexual outlet. There’s also a great cameo from Kylie Minogue as a butch tattoo artist.
Midnight Son (2011)
Okay so I know that we harp on about this one a lot at BAH, but it really is that good. Jacob (Zak Kilberg) works the nightshift as a security guard and spends his days avoiding daylight; he has a rare skin condition and finds being out in the sun almost unbearable. As his condition gradually worsens he finds his only sustenance in consuming human blood, but is he a vampire or just a troubled young man? Redemption of sorts presents itself in the form of Mary (Maya Parish), a young bartender, with whom Jacob falls madly in love. A bloody and miserablist romance that is ultimately sweet and tender, not to mention a vampire film that succeeds in that rarely attained feat, originality.
Kaboom (2010)
In the loosest possible terms Kaboom is a science fiction film, I guess, although really it’s kind of difficult to label, a bit like the central character’s sexual preferences. It has elements of comedy, noir, conspiracy thriller and apocalyptic cinema all rolled into one. The sexuality of the characters is fluid and changeable; main protagonist Smith (Thomas Dekker) refers to himself as “undecided” and is seen openly engaging in and enjoying sex with both men and women, to the detriment of nobody. It’s seen as normal and is matter of fact, not chaotic or subversive. Kaboom could be described as post-New Queer Cinema – the anger has been replaced with an utterly bonkers sense of irreverence. There’s almost no consideration for narrative structure or characterisation. To enjoy this film is to not think about it too much and to just go along for the ride. It’s genuinely refreshing to see a film where gender and sexuality are at the forefront for all the right reasons, not just to create drama or play into misconceptions and genre stereotypes.
Let the Right One In (2008)
Although considered to be a vampire film, Let the Right One In is more accurately about the friendship and quasi-romantic relationship that develops between Eli (Lina Leandersson) and Oskar (Kare Hedebrant), two twelve year olds on the cusp of adolescence. Although in the case of Eli, our young vampire who will forever be on the cusp, it serves to heighten the loneliness and confusion felt at such a difficult age. A far more innocent film than the others on my list, this is none the less affecting in the urgency and desperation of their relationship. Where their individual lives are almost unbearably painful they seek refuge together, their blind willingness to do anything for each other regardless of the consequences results in what can only be described as being equally as horrifying as it is touching. A truly beautiful film that is both haunting and profound.
Near Dark (1987)
Yep, another vampire flick, and despite the bleak sun bleached deserts and rough terrains of Kathryn Bigelow’s classic horror film, it’s also got a lot to do with love and the loss of innocence. Caleb (Adrian Pasdar) falls madly and instantaneously in love with Mae (Jenny Wright) – isn’t that always the way with movies? – only to find out that she’s a vampire and her little love bite means he will become one too after he makes his first kill. Thus forcing Caleb to choose between the woman he loves and his family, a tough decision when all he really wanted was to get his leg over.
May (2002)
So you’re single and you’ve got nobody to spend your Valentine’s Day with? How about you take a leaf out of May’s (Angela Bettis) book and start crafting the ideal lover from your favourite parts of the otherwise unsatisfactory people who come into your life? Sounds a little extreme, but when that lazy eye of May’s is finally straightened out and she feels beautiful enough to embark on a romantic relationship, all those dreams fall flat when she quickly comes to realise that the world is full of assholes. As creepy as her patchwork monster is, at least it’ll never let her down. Aw, and some say that romance is dead…
Don’t Look Now (1973)
Nic Roeg’s classic horror Don’t Look Now has perhaps one of the most honest portrayals of sex and marriage ever committed to film. Laura (Julie Christie) and John Baxter (Donald Sutherland) are grieving the tragic death of their young daughter when they travel to Venice; once there they slowly start to rebuild their fragile relationship. In one now infamous scene the couple have sex; this is intercut with them getting ready to go out. It’s such a simple scene but it captures the intimacy of a couple who have been together and have loved each other for years rediscovering their relationship and their sexuality once the veil of grief has lifted ever so slightly and they are able to start to function again as a couple. In so many films sex is put on a pedestal where what we’re given very rarely actually resembles any sort of reality, so it’s refreshing here to see a couple who so obviously know each other and love each other and sex is shown for what it so often is in real life; it’s passionate and founded in familiarity, the earth doesn’t have to move and the planets don’t have to realign, it’s just about a simple connection between two people. Not to mention that despite being an accurate portrayal of grief and love, Don’t Look Now is a genuinely terrifying film.
Switchblade Romance AKA Haute Tension(2003)
Unrequited love, sigh, a difficult topic to tackle at the best of times so why not just soak it in extreme amounts of blood and gore? That’s exactly what Alexandre Aja did with Switchblade Romance (Haute Tension) and it works pretty darn well, so long as you ignore the plot holes. That aside, it’s unlikely any Valentine’s Day won’t be improved by this slice of Gallic ultra violence. Not that the film isn’t also sort of romantic, being that when Alex (Maïwenn) is abducted by a crazed murderer, Marie (Cécile de France) goes to pretty extreme lengths to save the object of her affections.
Thirst (2009)
Yes… I know, more vampires. But as we all know, vampires = sex and there’s a lot of this going on in Park Chan-wook’s frankly bizarre film about Sang-hyun (Song Kang-ho), a Catholic priest who becomes a vampire and begins an illicit love affair with his friend’s wife, Tae-ju (Ok-bin Kim). The priest is a good man who takes his vow of chastity very seriously, so when his new found taste for blood opens his mind to the world of carnal desires things get a little crazy. Sang and Tae develop and obsessive relationship and become so deeply entwined with one another that their present becomes all that exists rendering the outside world irrelevant to our pair of star crossed lovers. Of course, everything ends rather badly for all concerned but isn’t that what romance is all about?