By Ben Bussey
The label of ‘worst horror movie of all time’ is a strangely coveted one within cult fandom. Many self-professed lovers of what would typically be regarded as trash cinema will go out of their way to see that which is proclaimed to be the poorest known example of its craft, and director Wayne Berwick’s Microwave Massacre has long worn that badge of honour with pride. Initially released in 1983 having sat on the shelf untouched by distributors for several years (generally a reliable indication of badness in itself), the ultra low-brow, low budget mish-mash of comedy, horror and T&A movie has by all accounts become quite a cult favourite, although I must confess that I’d never seen it nor even been particularly aware of it prior to my review copy of this new Arrow Video Blu-ray coming through my door.
Having now seen it, I can’t agree with the ‘worst ever’ label (which I understand was plastered all over its initial DVD release from Anthem Pictures), but I will certainly concur that Microwave Massacre is a very, very bad film. And not necessarily the good-bad kind.
Comedian Jackie Vernon takes the lead as Donald, a construction worker who would seem to be going through a bit of a midlife crisis, thanks to that age-old problem: he married a woman he can no longer stand. The real meat of his frustration (not entirely a metaphor in this context) is his wife’s habit of attempting adventurous, exotic meals; the first scene sees Donald sit down to lunch with co-workers who don’t take him seriously, and while they chow down on standard meat sandwiches, Donald has what appears to be a full size raw crab in his lunch box. It’s much the same when he gets home in the evening, his wife always attempting some grandiose culinary experiment – cooked, of course, in their brand new over-sized luxury microwave. Naturally, the question of why Donald doesn’t consider preparing the meals himself never comes up, but one evening when he’s had all he can stands and he can’t stands no more, the mild-mannered schlub cracks, murders his wife, chops up her corpse and hides the remains in the freezer. But then, quite by accident, Donald winds up cooking a bit of his late wife for dinner, and finds to his astonishment that it’s the best meat he’s ever had – so soon enough, he’s on the prowl for other women with whom he can broaden his palate.
It’s not a bad central conceit at all, and if handled correctly it might have resulted in a great comedy horror; alas, there is almost nothing in Microwave Massacre that is handled well. It’s a jaw-droppingly amateurish production on pretty much every level: the writing, acting, direction, and gore FX are all absolutely terrible. The film tries to get around this by being in the joke, filling up its 75-minute running time with fourth-wall breaking looks to the camera and odd lines of dialogue which indicate that the filmmakers know very well how stupid the whole thing is. We often see similar tricks employed in Troma movies and the like, but they manage to hold our attention by keeping things loud, fast and bulging with histrionic performances, excessive gore and frequent gratuitous nudity.
Now, Microwave Massacre certainly has some of these things; the opening credits play out over a montage of an anonymous large-breasted woman walking down the street near the construction site, who is shortly relieved her top under staggeringly contrived circumstances, and the scene would appear to be set for a sex comedy that would do Russ Meyer proud. A few more tit shots ensue (in a manner which would actually seem to serve the plot, believe it or not), as well as the inevitable murder scenes, but unfortunately the lion’s share of the action is taken up by painfully inept dialogue sequences, in which the already limp writing is rendered even flatter by uniformally dreadful performances and an excess of pregnant pauses which make the film feel overlong, even though it runs at barely an hour and a quarter.
All this having been said – why, you may ask, do I not agree that this is the worst horror film ever made? The simple answer is, the makers of Microwave Massacre were clearly never even under any pretence of trying to make a good film. It’s stupid and sloppily made because that’s exactly the way they intended it to be, so in its own way it’s a resounding success; it’s only when a film sets out to be good yet fails miserably that it can really warrant being classed as one of the worst films ever.
That having been said – Microwave Massacre is indeed a complete piece of shit. Those with a deep appreciation for films which are truly terrible may well find it to their taste, but for me the joke wore thin very early on, and it’s not a movie I can ever see myself having any desire to revisit. Still, if you are up for it, Arrow have done their usual sterling work – far more than the film deserves, in this instance – with a nice-looking transfer, and extras including new interviews with surviving members of the cast and crew.
Arrow Video release Microwave Massacre to dual format DVD and Blu-ray on 15th August.