By Ben Bussey
In a curious kind of way, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is a film that has no need to exist. Now, don’t take that the wrong way; it’s an enormously entertaining bargain basement B-movie that still holds up 27 years on. What I mean to say is, the film itself is largely peripheral to its legacy. Pretty much everything that Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers has to give is right there in the title, and the original poster art – which, happily, has remained the cover for this new Blu-ray edition from 88 Films. Director Fred Olen Ray remarks in the extras that the cult status the film enjoys today is rooted almost entirely in the promotional photos he took of Michelle Bauer prior to commencing production, featuring the actress clad in her best lingerie clutching the biggest chainsaw they could find – and by accident or design, they wound up with, in the director’s own words, “one of the most iconic B-movie images of all time.” Perhaps it’s a little boastful of him to say that – but that doesn’t mean he isn’t 100% correct.
It’s such a simple yet unforgettable image, and it encapsulates more or less everything that appeals about this brand of cinema: it’s sexy, it’s scary, it’s absurd, it’s ripe for all manner of academic analysis – though surprisingly it doesn’t get a mention in Carol Clover’s seminal (teehee) Men, Women and Chainsaws. Michelle Bauer herself muses that to this day she doesn’t entirely understand how she wound up so closely associated with Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, even more so than Linnea Quigley who is arguably the bigger cult star overall and has the bigger role in the movie. In a way it’s reminiscent of how Doug Bradley’s Lead Cenobite in Hellraiser came to be rechristened Pinhead and promoted to star of the show, despite ostensibly playing third fiddle to Frank and Julia; some bright spark recognised the iconic potential, slapped them on the poster anyway, and Bob (or Frank)’s your uncle. So yes, Michelle Bauer is the Pinhead of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers; a bit nicer to look at, perhaps, but any close encounter would be sure to end in a similarly messy fashion (by which I don’t mean…)
As if Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers needed any more help being iconic, it has that other notable string to its bow: it was hated by the British censors. Arriving in the wake of the Video Recordings Act when the tide of video nasty paranoia had by no means subsided on UK shores just yet – or that particular island inhabited by the BBFC and the tabloid press, at least – anything that combined sex and violence was immediately treated with contempt and suspicion. The prominence of power tools was also a major red flag; The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, despite not having been blacklisted by the VRA, remained banned on the say-so of notoriously uptight BBFC boss James Ferman, and anything that seemed to evoke Tobe Hooper’s masterpiece was liable to get banned on sight. Given the title, the poster art, and the presence of (yet more iconography points) the original Leatherface himself Gunnar Hansen in a then-rare starring role, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers seemed the perfect storm of everything the BBFC were afraid of. As such, the film was initially only passed with an 18 certificate after 1 minute 6 seconds of cuts (detailed in full at Melon Farmers), and – even more absurdly – the removal of the word ‘chainsaw’ from the title, despite the fact that this just makes the film sound like a porno. Still, UK distributor Colourbox were able to keep the original cover art, and got around the removal of the word ‘chainsaw’ by simply inserting a crude sketch of said implement directly over the word (see this VHS art and a bunch more promo images at the Horrorpedia review).
See what I mean about the film itself being peripheral? We’re over 600 words in and I haven’t even started actually reviewing Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers yet. So, does the actual movie warrant consideration as well, or should we just stroke our chins (yes, chins) at the poster and leave it at that?
Well – for the uninitiated, it’s fair to say Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers isn’t necessarily quite the film you’d expect it to be. Despite its inclusion in 88 Films’s Slasher Classics Collections (and writer-fans Calum Waddell and Justin Kerswell’s reasonable arguments for the film belonging to the genre on their commentary track), this is by no means another Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel or Pieces. In-keeping with most Fred Olen Ray/David DeCoteau/Linnea Quigley/Michelle Bauer movies (before anyone says it, no, Brinke Stevens isn’t in this one), Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers may draw heavily on horror iconography but is first and foremost a cartoonish comedy, heavily lampooning genre conventions whilst spicing the whole thing up with an overabundance of female nudity. What makes this particular instance so curious is that the conventions Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is most interested in sending up are not those of the horror genre, but the vintage American film noir (we might note it was made in the same year as that other Hollywood-based noir pastiche, Who Framed Roger Rabbit; there must have been something in the psychosphere). The movie follows Jay Richardson’s oh-so-cleverly named Private Detective Jack Chandler as he tracks down a missing girl (Quigley) who is somehow caught up in a bizarre spate of murders which – as you might have ascertained – involve women of a certain profession, making use of a certain handheld device primarily designed for tree felling.
Revisiting the movies made in the 80s by the likes of Ray, DeCoteau, Jim Wynorski and Troma really brings into light that the kind of self-referential humour which came to overwhelm horror by the late 90s had actually been brewing for quite some time before Scream came along, and as stupid as a lot of these films may seem at a glance there’s sometimes a great deal more genuine wit to be found within. No, we’re not about to confuse Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers with the works of Jonathan Swift, but I daresay it’s a somewhat more erudite brand of B-movie humour than we tend to find nowadays, even if the bulk of the gags that stayed with me are the cheap innuendos, many of which relate to Chandler being a private detective: take the police captain grumbling, “just what I need, a Dick in my face.” (The fact that this is the first joke that comes to mind probably says more about me than it does about the film, but let’s not dwell too heavily on that.) Once the diabolical schemes of Gunnar Hansen’s evil mastermind and his ancient Egyptain chainsaw-worshipping cult comes to light, causing Chandler to ponder whether America’s religious freedom is getting out of hand – I can’t deny I barked out loud with laughter more than once.
But never mind all that, I hear you say – what about Linnea Quigley? Well, she’s her usual, captivating, almost never fully clothed self, and given that this film came in right between Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama and Night of the Demons, this was pretty much when she was at her hottest, and her signature scene – the Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws – is one of her most memorable moments, up there with the graveyard strip of Return of the Living Dead, the lipstick trick of Night of the Demons and the antler impalement of Silent Night Deadly Night. Even so, truth be told, her role here as Samantha isn’t one of her most memorable; she’s essentially playing the good girl role, which really isn’t what we expect of her, and probably explains why Michelle Bauer’s utterly deranged bad girl hooker Mercedes is such a scene-stealer. And when the inevitable happens and the two great scream queens clash buzzing blades: well, it’s not exactly on a par with the great chainsaw battles of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 or Tiger on the Beat, but it’s a surefire crowd-pleaser nonetheless. In their presence, it’s small wonder Esther Elise feels a bit lifeless as the second chainsaw hooker Lisa; a whole lot of natural charisma is required to hold your own alongside Bauer and Quigley.
Naturally, this new Blu-ray release presents the fully uncut Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers with all its lingering shots of blood-spattered breasts (and title) fully intact – and while I rather doubt it’s going to leave anyone depraved and corrupted, it is going to leave one flabbergasted at how oversensitive, not to mention utterly humourless the BBFC were in the bad old days (not to suggest they’ve completely left their treat-the-masses-like-helpless-children days behind them; see their recent ban of Hate Crime). This isn’t some Evil Dead or Braindead-style gorefest; it’s a very light-hearted affair with death scenes that make no effort whatsoever to seem realistic. Ray remarks in the extras that they had no effects budget and bought all their severed body parts from a store, and it shows; you’ll see more gruesome and lifelike stuff hanging in suburban windows at Halloween than you’ll see here. Not that I imagine too many suburbanites answer the door to trick’r’treaters in Michelle Bauer fancy dress, stark bollock naked except for a shower cap and chainsaw – though I for one certainly don’t find that idea too objectionable…
For fans of cheap and cheerful 80s horror comedy, it should already be clear that this 88 Films edition of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is a must-buy. However, if you’ll forgive me going all infomercial, here’s the part where we say BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE!
That’s right – this Blu-ray also contains Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout video in full. Yet another affectionate skin-heavy spoof with heavy horror elements, this one hour feature from 1990 sends up the celebrity workout videos that were all the rage at the time, boasting a gratuitous shower scene, stock footage from her movies, a solo workout in fishnets and studded bra (you can stuff your Fabletics, Kate Hudson), group workout scenes with a mob of zombies and a gaggle of sorority girls in their undies, and such helpful motivating instructions from Linnea as “come on, stretch those muscles… not that muscle!” I’m not sure it’s quite on a par with Jillian Michaels as workouts go, but I somehow doubt that’s the point. Die-hard Quigley fans will want to see it for sure, and it only makes this purchase that bit more essential. Other extras include both vintage and newly-shot featurettes, director commentaries on both the feature and the workout video, the aforementioned fan commentary from Waddell and Kerswell, and other bits and bobs.
Be warned the trailer below is heavy on spoilers and thoroughly NSFW, giving away most of the money shots that didn’t make it past the BBFC the first time around. (Pretty naff sound and picture quality too, sadly. But don’t worry, it looks and sounds great on the Blu-ray.)
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is out on Blu-ray on 23rd March, from 88 Films.